For hockey player/B-list celebrity Sean Avery, who now plays nowhere because he can't keep his lip zipped: a promise to ask NHL czar Gary Bettman for a second chance, sloppy or otherwise.

For the CFL Toronto Argos: a promise to avoid last place.

For the MLB Toronto Blue Jays : a promise to avoid last place.

For the NBA Toronto Raptors: a promise to avoid last place. (Anyone notice a pattern developing here?)

For the NHL Toronto Maple Leafs: a promise to avoid last place -- unless, of course, last place is the winning ticket in the John Tavares/Victor Hedman lottery.

For the long-suffering sports fans in that world-class, Jewel-by-the-Lake city to the east of us: the promise of a bandwagon to hop aboard, a lifeline to cling to, as they contemplate the sheer, utter, long-standing wretchedness of their city's pro teams.

For Pat Quinn, coach of the Canadian junior hockey Nats: the promise of a big win tonight against those doggone Yanks. A first-place bye into the world junior semifinals isn't quite worth its weight in gold, but it's close.

For Steve Spott, the coach/GM of the sputtering, last-place Kitchener Rangers: the most unlikely promise of a trade with the London Knights. This year, just to get even, the Rangers would ship goalie Josh Unice to the Knights; in return, they'd get Naz Kadri, Phil Varone and Steve Tarasuk back for a second go-round.

For the aforementioned NHL boss Bettman: the promise of world peace, the ceasing of hostilities in Afghanistan, Iraq and the Middle East, a Nobel Prize in economics, and a seat at the right hand of God. He is likely to get all those things before he manages to sort out the train wrecks he has helped create in Phoenix, southeast Florida, Long Island and Nashville.

For Mats Sundin, the reluctant warrior of the Vancouver Canucks: the promise of even more money for even less playing time next year. By the time the big fella is done with his career, he'll be playing 20 games per season, $500K per game, netting a cool $10 million for six weeks of work. There'll be bonus money, of course, for a deep playoff run, just to compensate Mats for his extra time on the job.

For Rod Marinelli, the now-deposed coach of the truly awful, wonderfully inept, 0-for-16 NFL Detroit Lions: since things cannot possibly get any worse, we hold out the promise of a better year in 2009 for good old Rod. On the bright side -- and there's always a bright side -- he did get paid for stinking the joint out. Surely this is akin to paying General Motors to stop building cars. (What, you mean they're already doing that? Holy cow!)

And for you, dear readers, nothing but the best for 2009. We are all, I believe, quite happy to finally see the pockmarked backside of 2008.

Record sports editor AL Coates can be reached at acoates@therecord.com